It’s been three years since Chow Yun-Fat’s last movie, the crossover hit Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, so he’s clearly been waiting for the right follow-up project. Which makes his involvement in the new film Bulletproof Monk all the more mysterious, since it’s a rather large piece of garbage.

Perhaps Chow was talked into it by longtime collaborator, director John Woo (who serves as one of ‘Monk’s producers). Or perhaps the film sounded like a good idea at the time, since it affords the affable star of such hard-boiled action flicks as The Killer, The Replacement Killers, and Anna and the King the chance to reprise his Crouching Tiger role (sort of), as a gravity defying holy roller/grand master type entrusted with protecting a sacred relic (there a sword, here a scroll). Or perhaps, since Chow orates as much as he kicks butt in the film, this was an excellent opportunity for him to learn and deliver some English without the use of a teleprompter (bad idea: Chow sounds as stiff as <insert your favorite analogy here> and everyone else sounds dubbed!).

The reason for Chow’s association with Paul Hunter’s film isn’t exactly clear. What is clear, however, is that Bulletproof Monk is (to reiterate) a rather large piece of garbage.

In the film Chow plays–you guessed it–a bulletproof monk. That's not just a figure of speech, like calling him a hard-boiled policeman (as someone does in John Woo’s sensational Hard-Boiled).  He's literally bulletproof, like when he stops a bullet smack in the middle of his chest and then falls off a cliff (no, it wasn't the scroll under this habit that stopped the bullet).  Chow has a habit of being shot at in the film, beginning in 1943, when Nazis come looking for the ancient dual pointy-ended scrolly thing. Nazis as bad guys? You can see how inspired the screenplay is. Anyway, whoever reads aloud in its entirety the text that’s written on the scroll will gain the ability to rule the world, apparently. Sounds like Hudson Hawk. And for your information, Hudson Hawk was a rather large piece of garbage too.

Chow’s Monk With No Name is quickly paired (or should I say saddled) with Seann William Scott (Dude, Where’s My Car?) as Kar (dude!), a streetwise pickpocket whom Monk cleverly picks to protect the scroll for the next 60 years (which is how long Monk’s been doing it; he needs a break). Presto change-o!  Instant buddy movie. Hardly. There’s more chemistry in <insert your favorite analogy here>. James (aka Jamie) King plays a streetwise hoodlum with the creative name of Bad Girl (she’s a girl by the way). There’s also a bad blonde bitchy Nazi played by Victoria Smurfit.

Bulletproof Monk is cheesy beyond repair. Just witness, for starters, the laughable rumble between Kar and a nasty topless Brit known as Mr. Funktastic (he’s a guy by the way). And the soundtrack! My goodness. Plinky plonky comic “Oriental” doodlings throughout–atrocious! Having said all that Bulletproof Monk is probably the best live-action Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie ever made! But what would you expect from someone whose previous and only directing turn was a Mariah Carey video?